This was so special

And while I’m writing this
I realize,
that by putting my experience into words
I’m making a story of it, 
trying to comprehend what only can be felt.

 

But I want to write about it
Cause it feels as a breakthrough
As a really special moment on my path…

 

What I just experienced 

Could be ‘feeling energy’

And my mind getting so enthusiastic about it, is because this is what I wanted to feel so badly for such a long time

 

I believe that everything is energy

I believe that I am energy

And I believe that people can feel this energy

 

But I couldn’t

And I was so desperate to feel it

 

I was looking and trying so hard, 

doing my best to feel

To feel the energy

But not only this.

 

I was trying so hard…

To feel my body

To feel my emotions

To feel my feelings

To let my thoughts be

To get out of my head

 

I was trying my best to let go of control

To let go of my perfectionism

To let go of my expectations

To let go of wanting to gain or achieve anything

 

I was trying to do it perfectly
I was trying to do it exactly the way i wanted it to happen and to be
I was forcing a lot of things
I was forcing my development, my growth
I didn’t let things flow 
I wanted to control everything
I wanted everything to be easy
I wanted to feel good, all of the times
I wanted it to go fast

And I wanted all of it, NOW

 

And now, this moment, here, laying in bed…

I let go

 

I was just laying down,

focussing on my body,

with relaxed awareness.

Not tightly scanning from top to toe,

just curiously feeling the energy in my body.

 

Letting my thoughts about this process that I’m going trough wondering around. Realising that this what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, is exactly what I have to do, that this is my path:

 

Becoming aware of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my behaviour, my patterns. Seeing them with loving kindness, without wanting them to be different then they are right now, in this moment.

 

And by seeing what’s really happening within me, I have a choice again. By seeing clearly in the present moment, I can see if my ego is screaming to me, to protect me. Or that my true Self is whispering, helping me to make my own decision, based on trust instead of fear.

 

I can choose

I can choose for what I need

I can choose to take the old path or I can choose to do things different this time.

 

Maybe it’s not always easy.

Maybe I will fall back in the old patterns,

again and again.

But when I keep practicing,

again and again,

I will make more and more choices that are true to my Self.

And every single moment is a new opportunity to choose again. 

To become aware of what I want, what I need.

To make choices that are right for me.

 

Not because I learned that this is the way we do it, not because this is what is normal, not because I think that people expect it from me, not because I think that this will make people love me, not because I think that this is what I suppose to do to be a good person (lover, friend, daughter, employee…), not because I am afraid that otherwise I will not be loved anymore… 

 

I choose what feels right for Me

I choose for mySelf

 

And I keep practicing this

So that I will be true to mySelf

More and more

 

It’s a lifelong process

Cause this is what life is…

Being your Self

Let’s be ourselves!

Thankyou,

Dear Life 

 

♥️

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